Empathy is a game changer.

A good friend of mine (let’s call her Judith) gave me some awesomely simple relationship advice few years ago.  This advice was specific to my marriage, but can be applied to any relationship we have with another person; practice empathy.

em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ noun the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

My alarm goes off pretty early in the morning. I do this on purpose so I can have some quiet time with my coffee before the rest of my people wake up for the day.  This time has proved to be a critical component of setting a good tone for how my day will pan out. I spend that time doing something that I love, or maybe more importantly, something I can’t accomplish when my 20 month old daughter is with me.  I use this time to feed my heart and soul with things that lift me up to be the wife, mother and friend that I am called to be.  It also fuels me with the grace needed to practice empathy.  I definitely do not achieve this perfectly everyday or even every other day, but I am aware of how beneficial this practice is to maintaining healthy, loving relationships built around wanting the best for one another.

Every weekday around 4pm my mood begins to change.  I get antsy and sometimes irritable.  I am usually mentally exhausted from spending the day with my energetic toddler.  I wait anxiously, counting down the minutes until hear the sound of the front door or garage being opened because that means my other half is home to provide some relief.  But let’s be real here, my husband is mentally spent from his day too.  We BOTH just want to check out for the day.  We BOTH can be on edge.  Most of the time we BOTH need a break and our first instinct is to take our frustrations out on the each other.  There is NO way their day was as trying as ours.  This is the exact time we need to invite the intentional practice of empathy into our approach.

For me, empathy removes the “pile on” effect.  You know, piling on all of the crappy things that happened throughout the day in our minds to build the ultimate piece of ammunition needed to justify our attitude to the person on the receiving end of our rant.  Empathy takes me out of myself to think of others.  It gives me the strength to try to be a example choosing to keep a positive attitude.  It reminds me to STOP COMPLAINING.

My friend Judith’s advice is some of the best I have ever received. Putting someone else’s needs before my own is the natural intuition of a woman, but being able to empathize with that person and their needs is a game changer. It allows for love to take over and work its magic. Empathy fosters a real and true desire to want the best for the one other.

“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy.  Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”  -Carl Rogers

 

 

Is there a formula for obtaining peace?

For the majority of my adult life I have attempted to control ALL situations. I didn’t even realize that I had fallen into this pattern until some serious self-reflection and self-assessment. Some might say that trying to control the outcome of good and bad situations is actually a good thing. That having control over your own life is responsible. And I would agree, to a certain extent, that being responsible and accountable for your actions are qualities needed to survive. But trying to control everything in a world you don’t have control over is exhausting and will undoubtedly strip you of your freedom. Trying to control people who have the freedom to make their own decisions is just goofy. Eventually the frustration of failing to change something you don’t have control over will consume your joy. I make this statement with confidence because I have been a prisoner for years.

I have spent the last several years trying to break out of prison. Most of the time I am unsuccessful, until I surrender. I didn’t even know what that meant, let alone attempting to articulate it. Then I was given the grace to understand it. I had fallen to my knees. I was open and vulnerable. I had to surrender my heart. I had to give up my control. I had to let love conquer my fears. And I have to consciously choose to do these things EVERY SINGLE DAY. When my heart is hardened I fall apart in fear and anxiety.

My formula for surrendering, simply put, is:
+ be open to grace.
+ start and end each day with gratitude.
+ persevere through all things with grit.

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”
― Marianne Williamson

 

Hope in the wilderness of winter

February and March are my least favorite weather months of the year.  They are at the tail end of winter and they are gray (such a BLAH color).  They taunt us with a few days of sun and warmth but then take us back down into the valley of cold and darkness.  Life can feel like a never-ending cycle of winter; dark days that never seem to end.  We get buried under feelings of defeat and hopelessness trapped in our own darkness.  Unfortunately, this despair, just like winter months, can lead to isolation.
I listen to a lot of “talks”.  During one talk the speaker was discussing the mystery of suffering.  We were asked to imagine that we were on a vacation.  The goal of our vacation was to escape the monotony of our everyday lives and enjoy some sun and fun at the beach.  Unfortunately, the weather forecast was gloomy and disappointment set in.  Every day we went to bed hoping for sun the following day.  It never came.  Nevertheless we would prepare for the sunshine, apply our sunblock, and head to the beach with hope in our hearts.  The speaker urged us to “never stop going the beach,” regardless of the forecast.
Hope and perseverance are two saving graces that carry me through the wilderness of winter.  The mind is a powerful tool and it is my choice as to whether I use it to escape the winter or allow it to keep me trapped in a valley.  My husband always says that your perspective is your reality.  March can be cold and gray, but it also offers hope that spring is on the horizon.  The birds chirp before the sun comes up.  The trees start to bud with signs of renewed life.  And flowers begin to break through the soil.  Hope and perseverance won’t let us down.  The lessons can be hard and exhausting, but they produce strength and new life.  Light ALWAYS cancels out darkness.
I mentioned that my tools against beating despair are a perspective of hope and perseverance, but I also have practical weapons that I use in the battle.  My sister-in-law sent me a book a while back, it was titled “Girl, wash your face.”  I have not started it yet, but I can imagine what it is about.  My “girl, wash your face” is “Lauren, get in the dang shower and take on the day!”  I wake up early to spend some time in prayer and gratitude.  I enjoy a cup of hot coffee and I kick myself out of the isolation of my home.  I do things that I know will snap me out of my funk, at least for a moment.  I’m not batting 1000 with my effort and my tools don’t always work, but such is life and I won’t stop trying.
Winter wilderness can be lonely so we can’t let it consume us.  Take back the power and keep your eyes on spring!  We have to wait, not in anxiety, but in joyful hope.

“Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring will come again.”

– Sarah Ban Breathnach

I’m an Instagram star! – Social media and self worth

We all have a shared desire to be loved and seen, it is just how we were created.  That doesn’t necessarily mean we wish to be in the spotlight, it just means that want to be acknowledged by another and we crave love.  In our search for love and attention we can be left discouraged or wanting more because no one is perfect in giving.  Good news, there is a never-ending source of Love that we all have access to but unfortunately forget to tap into.  As a result, we go into the world endlessly searching and constantly let down.

Social media is the a popular mirage for self-fulfillment.  It has manipulated us into thinking that our worth is dependent on the amount of “followers” and “likes” we obtain.  I heard a great story about this.  It starts off with a woman describing her experience as she gets on a plane.  She explains the awkwardness of walking down the aisle searching for an open seat.  She notices the looks on the other passengers’ faces as they see her contemplating which seat to choose.  She describes the look as a bit panicked, a pleading look, possibly whispering to themselves, “please no, please no!”.  At this point of the story I laugh out loud because she mentions that she is a nun in her mid-thirties.  On this particular flight she found herself sitting next to a 19-year-old that is zoned into her iPhone.  She tries to be courteous by keeping her eyes facing forward but then feels compelled to ask what she is doing.  The girl answers, “oh, just checking my Instagram.”  The sister is excited.  She sees this as a golden opportunity to educate herself on Instagram because she had been dying to know what it was and how it works.
The 19-year-old begins to describe the popular social media platform and her description was insanely accurate.  The first part of the description went as such.  “You follow anywhere between 200-500 people, but it is impossible to keep up with everyone but at least you are in the loop.”  The sister then asks what Instagram does for her.  “It is the place of affirmation!  You post something you like, or something you did, or a picture that you know you look good in and you wait for people to affirm it.”  The girl then details the other side of Instagram.  “It is also the place of insecurity.  You can post something hoping that the guy you like sees it and comments, and if he doesn’t you don’t know if he doesn’t like it, or he just didn’t see it.”  The sister asks why the girl doesn’t contact the guy directly and the Instagram review ends shortly after that.
I share this story because I couldn’t stop thinking about how we all can relate to both the 19-year-old and the nun;  looking for affirmation and shaking our heads baffled by this paradox of obtaining self-worth from a social media site.  Very rarely do we post the parts of ourselves that expose our imperfections.  It is not commonplace to display our weaknesses either.  We probably don’t share these unpopular parts of ourselves because we are afraid that we won’t be accepted, that no one will care, or even worse, we are seen as unattractive or weak.  Social media is a slippery slope into giving energy and power to something that inflates a false sense of self; rooting ourselves in something unreliable and trivial.  Don’t get me wrong, social media can also an awesome platform for sharing good, growing your business, or just keeping up with friends from a distance, but this isn’t what my post is about.
There are times when I get discouraged if my friends and family do not “like” or encourage something I put out there on social media.  But I have realized that giving power to that discouragement is silly.  It doesn’t mean anything.  What would happen if you lost all of your followers or you stopped receiving “likes” on your posts?  Would you survive, escaping without a tinge of discouragement?  If the answer is no, then maybe check yo’self before you wreck yo’self! Remove the filter and quit the tireless photo review because the real you is perfect as is!

You are beautiful and loved and seen all because you are YOU.  There is no one like YOU.  YOU are special.  From the moment you were created, you were loved.  Put all of your eggs in THAT basket.  You have an audience of One that loves you with an unrelenting, unconditional, and all-powerful love.  Look to that audience for your self-worth, because you will never be disappointed or left wanting more.

Oh, and if you like this post, please “like” or share it…LOL.  Just kidding!  I just wanted you to know how special you are.

Loving when its hard

In the dictionary, love is primarily defined as a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.  When a person hears the word love what probably comes to mind most often are thoughts of a person they love or romantic sentiment.  But love is one of the most dynamic words ever given to us; love doesn’t necessarily always embody a feeling, love can be an action where we must choose to love another.  Loving people when we have natural FEELINGS of love is easy, it’s when those feelings aren’t there when it gets hard.
Close your eyes and try to picture a moment in time where you were hurt by another person or a situation; recall the pain you felt in that moment.  Some of those painful feelings may even resurface when you recollect this time.  Pain is a natural feeling that occurs when we are hurt and can close off our hearts behind guarded walls.  When we are closed off to vulnerability our hearts can begin to harden, unable to feel and show love.  This can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, disconnection, sadness, bitterness, etc.  These feelings fuel our pain and prevent healing.  There is no satisfaction from retaliation or revenge, we are only left more isolated, stuck in a pattern of negativity that tends to keep growing until it eventually consumes us.
Have you ever heard the statement, “Love your enemies”?  This is a tough concept.  Why would we extend love to someone that has hurt us, or that we just don’t like, let alone love?  They don’t deserve it and even if I am willing to entertain the idea of loving someone that is hard to love, I just don’t have it in me to do so.  But take a step back and focus in on love for a moment.  We may not have the strength and will to love our enemies, but Love does.  Love opens our hearts to enable us to feel empathy towards our enemies.  Love breaks down barriers that keep us from being kind to those who have hurt us.  Have you ever heard tragic stories where someone is murdered, they interview the loved ones and they said they forgive the killer?  You think, “how were they able to do that?”.  They were able to because of love.  Mercy and forgiveness provide THEM peace, and mercy and forgiveness are rooted in love.  Forgiveness is part of the healing process. It frees us from being bound by hatred.
Love is a ticket to peace; it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  When I can’t find it in myself to love the way I should, I look up.  I close my eyes and ask for the grace to be able to.  There is a fountain of unrelenting love and endless mercy available for us to receive as long as we are open to it.  And remember…LOVE NEVER FAILS.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

scupture-image-e1549975548813.png

 

“Imagine God is a sculptor, each person is a unique unfinished work of art. If we admit this image, inevitably questions arise around what it would take to complete and beautify the work. We can see how easily we want to impose our own ideas on the process of completion. Frequently we set about in a frantic haste to embellish, to haste into finality to add our own finishing touches to adorn ourselves as we see best. We want to be attractive to behold, to stand out from the crowd to attract interest and notice of others. We convince ourselves that this will somehow make us happy. We seek jewels and adornments, but we seek them not for the sake of beauty. We want to have and to have more, to let others know we have more so that rather than our wishing we had better lives, they can look at us and wish their lives were better.

When we slip into this mode, we miss the fundamentals of much greater importance to see the foundation of the sculpture itself and to see it as unfinished. In prayer, we must learn to recognize that a loving, master sculptor has crafted each human person uniquely. By design, no two works of this sculptor are the same. Rather than chasing after embellishments, a better starting point lies in two important questions. How can I best adorn the face of creation? And how can I best reflect the genius of the sculptor? And thereby shine the splendor of God into the hearts of all those who come into my life. Perhaps not the first questions that come to mind, but they bring us into harmony with the mind of the Almighty.”

Father John Burns – “Lift Up Your Heart”

Is it spring yet?

Winter can be difficult in the Northeastern part of the country. The days are short and the nights are long. Don’t get me wrong, winter is a necessary season and CAN be beautiful, it just seems to drag on forever. And if you live in Western Pennsylvania, you get the bonus of constant gray skies. Darkness takes over our once sun-filled days. Will spring ever come?

When my daughter was born it was supposed to be one of the most joy-filled times of my life. I knew adding our little baby into our routine was going to be a huge change and yield a lot of sleepless nights, but nevertheless, I would feel the happiest I would ever feel. Against all expectations, it turned out to be one of the darkest periods of my life. There was no lack of love for my beautiful girl, but there was an absence of joy. It was my winter and there was no end to this darkness in sight.

Now, let me introduce hope, faith and perseverance into my story. They were my Light. They came in different forms; the grace of prayer, friends who went through similar experience delivering words of encouragement, and signs of progress in my mental journey. About 3 weeks after my daughter was born a dear friend reached out asking how I was doing. I told her that I was struggling, and she shared that she didn’t start to feel back to herself until about 6 weeks after the birth of her daughter. I thought to myself, “I will not make it to 6 weeks feeling like this! That is 3 weeks from now!”. (spoiler alert) I survived the next three weeks, and the three weeks after that, and the three weeks after that and the three weeks after that…you get the point.

I made it through those first few months battling postpartum depression and anxiety by the unmerited grace of God and the love and support of my husband. Grace helped me maintain my faith. Grace got me out of bed each morning (and night with a hungry newborn). Grace armed me with perseverance. And grace never allowed me to lose hope.

Don’t forget to switch on the Light in times of darkness and open your hearts to the grace that pours from that Light. Surrender to faith. Winters are long, dark and cold, but cling to the hope that spring IS coming soon.

person using green typewriter

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

“Your story is very important.  The events of your life, those are all important.  But, what’s more important than your story?  Than the tale of your life? Than the events that happen in your life?  What’s more important than that, is the ‘who you become‘, not just the ‘what that you do’.  The ‘who you become’ in your story is far more important that the ‘what you do’ in your story.  Even if, in this moment, you don’t know the meaning, you realize that there is meaning in every moment.  Why?  Because its helping you become the person that the world needs you to become; to embrace the harsh realities of life.  But also to say, ‘I might not know the meaning of this moment, but I know this moment has meaning.'”

Fr. Mike Schmitz